


Giving up

by Kamazu



Category: DRAMAtical Murder
Genre: Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 11:10:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1093202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kamazu/pseuds/Kamazu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been some years since Aoba was in a relationship with Koujaku, and he had never been so happy in his life. He though Koujaku felt the same, so he didn't understand when suddenly, one night, Koujaku didn't come home.<br/>A thing I wrote because tumblr user thetripvirus stated on twitter that they wanted a fic where Aoba and one of the boyfriend would be happily together for some time and then the boyfriend would die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Giving up

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if it's visible that I hate giving titles to stories, but I really do.

Aoba was never as happy before. He surely had been in relationships before, but somehow, they never felt like this. Love would fade, and after a while it would just feel wrong.

But it had been years now. He wasn't sure if it was three or four, he never really cared much about dates, and was actually surprised when he learnt that it was pretty important for the other. He'd remember the exact day where they became a couple, or the exact day he cut Aoba's hair, for exemple, while Aoba could simply tell you it happened on that month some years ago.

It's not that those events weren't important for Aoba, they really were. They were the start of a whole new life. It was a bit hard to leave his home and Granny to live with Koujaku at first, and it was also difficult and embarassing to tell Tae about what was going on between them. Surprisingly enough for Aoba, she was actually happy for them. She noticed how they'd have become even closer to each other and how Aoba was generally happier. He was already happy to begin with, but those little things in his behavior showed that something had happened for him to be generally in a good mood. And by how often Koujaku would visit (meaning almost everyday), she guessed it had to do with him, too. She didn't think they'd be in love, but she didn't mind at all. She also didn't mind Aoba moving away. She seemed to have been waiting for that moment, actually. She wasn't tired of Aoba, no, but he needed to eventually leave, and she knew it. He couldn't live with his Granny forever. And she trusted Koujaku, knowing him since he was a child, she knew he'd take good care of Aoba, and would make him happy.

Even then, they'd often go visit Tae, because her food was still so good and because Aoba would feel sad if he couldn't see his Granny every two day or so. He was pretty scared of leaving her alone, but seeing her doing well would always make him feel better, and a bit stupid for worrying.

Somehow, they'd still try to keep their relationship secret. Koujaku was for announcing it to others proudly, but Aoba was still a bit scared of their reaction. He knew his friends would be happy for them, and it wasn't what he was afraid of. But Koujaku had lot of fans. And sometimes, fangirls don't really react nicely to knowing that the subject of their admiration is with another person, and even worse, a man. Aoba didn't like how they'd still try to flirt with Koujaku, but he didn't want to make them mad by telling them he was taken. Koujaku would simply turn them down nicely, wich would make the fans sad, but not angry.

Eventually, Koujaku simply kissed Aoba publicly, and the rumor spread around. Aoba was embarassed, but couldn't deny any of said rumors. Koujaku had to ask Aoba if it was okay now, to tell them about their relationship, since it wasn't a secret for anyone anymore, and he had to say yes.

It didn't turn out as bad as Aoba expected. Of course, some fangirls got mad, but it was alright. And it toned down after some time. Some of them were even curious about their relationship, and Aoba would get asked tons of question and people would tell him how lucky he was to have Koujaku as a boyfriend.Aoba knew it, and knew how great Koujaku actually was. He could kind of understand why so many girls loved him now. He sure knew how to make people's heart melt.

But it wasn't that part of him that Aoba liked the most. To be honest, Aoba couldn't even say what he loved the most about Koujaku. But he liked how nice he would be with him. He'd really make him feel important and loved, that was for sure. He was so caring, even before being in a relationship. Actually, their behavior around each other wasn't that different from the past. At first, it was awkward, but after getting used to it, it was all better. It was like when they were friends, but you would add the affection of a lover to it, and all those things only lovers do. And it was just perfect for Aoba. As to Koujaku, he was the happiest man ever with Aoba.

He didn't know what went wrong, when someday, Koujaku didn't come home.

He know that Koujaku didn't have anything important on that day, and even if he did, he would have sent a message, or called him on his coil, telling him he'd be late home. But nothing.

At first, Aoba was mad. He wanted to sleep it off and yell at Koujaku on the next day, but worry was pilling up inside him, and pushed him to call him. One time. Two times. Ten times. Nothing would get through. He guessed that maybe he would have turned off his coil or something, not wanting to be bothered. But what could he do that was so important that he couldn't even answer his coil?

If Koujaku was still like before they were dating, he could simply think that Koujaku was off with some woman. But Koujaku told him several times that he stopped playing around, and was interested in no one but Aoba. Yet, that fear of Koujaku getting bored of him and would go have fun with womens again was still there. And the other's absence made it even worse.

He always though he wasn't that special of a person, really. Koujaku was liked by so many people, and he knew that osme of them were really great, and he was always so, so confused as to why Koujaku liked him more than anyone. So it wouldn't be surprising, if in the end, Koujaku would grow tired of him, and would want to have fun with someone else.

His heart hurted just thinking about that. He felt bad, because he knew Koujaku was a good person, and he he was told so many times that this kind of things would never happen. He knew Koujaku wouldn't lie to him. He knew Koujaku loved him. But he couldn't stop himself from being scared of that.

He felt so selfish, thinking about that just because Koujaku wasn't home. He sighed, telling himself how stupid he was. He couldn't do much at 3am, so he decided to lie down on the bed and try to sleep. He never noticed how lonely it felt without him. He wanted to snuggle against him, feeling the warmness of his body, feeling Koujaku's hand going through his short blue hair, his other hand holding his own.  
The pain in his heart was even worse at these thoughs, and Aoba felt some sense of emtpiness growing inside him. Of course they weren't together all the time, Koujaku had a work, and Aoba did too. Koujaku had his own occupations, such as Rib, and Aoba surely had his own things to do too. But Koujaku would always be there at night. Koujaku would always do his best to be as much with Aoba as he could. He'd even take days off specially for Aoba, when he'd notice that he'd be feeling sad for some reasons, or if he simply want to have a day with him and only him. For him to be out so late at night, and for him to not even take the time to answer his coil... It was unusual. And got Aoba to worry even more.

He just wanted to sleep. Keeping thinking about this was making him more upset, and he knew that more he'd worry about it, less he'd be able to fall asleep. He sighed, once again, and decided to try to call him again. Of course, it wouldn't get through. And of course, it didn't help Aoba's feelings at all. So he decided to send a message. So even if Koujaku was completely ignoring his coil right now, he could still read it whenever he'd be free again. Yet, he didn't want to sound stupid or clingy. He didn't want to send some "I miss you" or "Please come home", even if it was what he was thinking.

Not finding anything to even say, he gave up. He was getting mad at himself for being so stupid. He wasn't specially dependent on Koujaku, and could survive to be some time without him. He didn't mind sleeping by himself, too. Yet, all of this was making him feel so bad. And he just guessed that it was the whole "he didn't tell me he wouldn't be here" thing. He couldn't do anything about it anyway, so closed his eyes, and hoped his stupid worries would go away soon and that he could finally fall asleep, and maybe wake up beside him.

He eventually woke up some hours later, not rested at all. He was alone in Koujaku's bed, and he still felt so worried and bad. He looked at the time to see that it was 9am. It was the week end, so he didn't have to work on that day, and Koujaku didn't have to either, so he should have been home. Did he even sleep?

Aoba though that maybe he was right, and Koujaku was simply at some other woman's house, and probably slept there. And he'd probably find him outside, simply joking around with some Benishigure members, or maybe some of his fans, who knew. He started to feel sick. Both because of how horrible he was, to think his boyfriend would be like this, and because it could actually be a possible scenario.

Knowing it was no use getting worked up about it, he got up and got himself dressed, to come drag Koujaku home by himself. He won't jump to conclusions too fast, and will simply ask him what happened. After all, it wouldn't be the first time he'd get paranoid about stupid stuff. He was sure Koujaku would explain himself, and make all his worries disappear.

Thinking this, he went out. But he quickly noticed something weird while walking down the streets: The Benishigure members weren't there. Not a single one. Of course, Aoba didn't know literally all of them, but he could recognize faces. And he saw none of the knowns ones there.

He actually though that something might happened. And that maybe was the reason why Koujaku wasn't there, and why he was busy the night before. Did something happened with his team? He knew that none of them would do anything bad, but it wasn't the case of every Rib Team. And because Koujaku was so well known and loved, there were people that would be jealous and would start hating him, so it wouldn't be surprising for them to try to cause him troubles.

But Koujaku was undefeated, and it was a reason why he was admired by so many, and despised by others. But it wasn't impossible for him to lose a fight either, he wasn't some kind of god after all.

After some more time searching for him, he was actually stopped by two Benishigure members. He stopped, and turned around to them.

« Hey guys.. There's not a lot of you around there-- did something happened? Do you know where Koujaku is? » Aoba simply asked. Seeing their sorry faces made his worries grow. Looking at them more closely made him notice some injuries on their face, and tat their clothes were pretty dirty. Did they just get in a fight or something? Koujaku's team was mainly made of nice people that preferred helping out others. Of course, they knew how to fight, but they would never pick up useless ones. Did someone attack them?

« Aoba-san... About this... » One of them finally spoke out with a trembling voice. The two members looked at each other, not knowing how to announce it to Aoba, that was starting to get nervous. « Koujaku-san... He... », not only his voice was trembling, but he and his teammate's entire bodies. They couldn't get their words out of their mouths.

Noticing this, Aoba put his hands on their shoulders. « Are you two okay...? You should sit down and calm down a bit, there.. » he said sofly, pushing them down on a bench. He joined them, and they apologized for the troubles.

All of this was making Aoba really scared. They seemed really shaken up, and them mentionning Koujaku didn't help at all. Something must have happened to them, and worse, to him. And thinking about this was making him feel uneasy. What happened that made him unable to come home, and enable to even meet Aoba? What happened to make his team members like this?

« Sorry... Aoba-san... I... It's just that... Koujaku-san... » started one team member. Seeing he wasn't able to explain himself, the other member continued; « There was that other team... it wasn't a really well known one, but they knew us way too well... They disliked us, and especially Koujaku-san... So they picked a fight... » he said, before biting his lips and clenching on his own clothes. It took him some seconds to continue again. « We didn't expect their team to be so big, and ... and Koujaku-san either... He's a great fighter, and put lot of them down, but... eventually.. », he looked away. His teammate had to finish. « It didn't turn well... A-and... Koujaku-san... »

Aoba couldn't take it anymore. His heart was going to explode if they kept dragging it on like this. And seeing one of them start crying only made it worse.

« What... What happened to him... » he asked, grabbing the calmer member's shoulders.

« ... He... He got beaten up.... To death.. » he finally said, looking down.

Aoba did not know how to react. He just stared blankly at the member, letting go of his shoulders. « Ex... cuse... me... ? »

« T-the other team didn't want to and they all ran away when they noticed what they did... We've been chasing them since then but... We can't find them anymore... » the Benishigure member continued. « I... I'm so sorry... Aoba-san... »

Aoba didn't care about anything they were saying anymore. The only thing going through his mind was Koujaku. His Koujaku. The man he loved. Dead.

The only thing that he could think about is how he kept thinking about how Koujaku was probably cheating on him because he wasn't there. While he was probably fighting all he could. While he was getting beaten up by an entire Rib team. While he was suffering so much. So much, that he died.

Koujaku died. While Aoba was waiting for him and getting sad over his relationship that had literally no problems. While Aoba was at home, lying around in his bed, Koujaku died.

He felt the hand of one of the team member on his shoulder, and he pushed it away. He wasn't angry at them. They were so upset because of this, too, and he was sure they did their best in that fight. It wasn't their fault if it went too far. It wasn't their fault if those assholes hated him so much that they were able to kill him. But they couldn't comfort him. He didn't want comfort. It wouldn't make things better. Nothing could.

« I.. I need to... I will go... » he stuttered before getting up and walking away. He walked quickly, and couldn't even manage to get home before breaking down sobbing. He could only hide in a back street, hoping no one would see. He cried his heart out, until no tears could come out anymore. He couldn't stop thinking about how horrible he was. How horrible he was for thinking Koujaku would ever do such a thing as cheating on him. How horrible he was for worrying about such trivial things while his lover was getting killed. It was probably not even far from his home. He could have just went out, searching for him, and maybe... Maybe things would have been different.

Maybe if he went to search for him out of worry, maybe he could have stopped those guys, and maybe he could have saved Koujaku.

That idea made him so angry. It made him so mad at himself. He couldn't even believe that Koujaku had been killed. He knew how talented Koujaku was. He saw him fighting by himself. He could have put down ten armed mens by himself. It made him wonder how many of these bastards attacked him. It must have been so horrible. It must have hurted so much.

He knew Koujaku did his best. He knew he wouldn't die so easily. And that was what made him even more mad. He was so upset, sad, and angry at the same time. He was overwhelmed by so many emotions and all of them would result in the same sensation: pain. His heart was hurting, his throat was dry, and even crying was painful. He felt like he was drowning. He felt like he was dying. Ah, how it would be great, he though for a second. But he was painfully alive.

He somehow managed to calm down after he didn't even know how much time, and went home. He got up only some time ago, but he was already exhausted. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to run away, he wanted to make those people pay, he wanted to die, he wanted to cry, he didn't even know. His mind didn't make sense. But a thing he was sure of is that what he wanted to most was to see Koujaku. To jump in his arms and never let him go. To kiss him and tell him how he loved him. To look at him and never get his eyes off of him. He wanted to get him back. He wanted to see him again.

He didn't want to accept that he was never going to see him again.

He didn't want to accept that he was gone. That it was over.

It was too much, way too much for him. It'd leave an emptiness too big to fill. He was a too big part of his life. He could just not imagine it without him, the man he loved, the man he saved. The man he took the risk of losing his mind over scrap to save. The broken man, that kept on living for him. The broken man that he fixed. It took longer than just telling him the right words when he was inside his head. It wasn't enough to fix him, to heal his wounds. It took way longer, for him to get over his issues. But he was able to, with Aoba.

And he lost him. He lost him without being able to do anything. And he hated himself for it.

He was so glad that he was able to stop him, back in the Oval Tower. He was so glad he was able to make him want to keep on living. He was so glad he was able to make him feel better. He was so, so glad he was able to stop him from making another massacre...

Back then, he was so, so afraid to break him. He was so glad he didn't. But in the end, their happiness didn't last long. In the end, he didn't save Koujaku's life for long. Because he was too stupid to even worry about him enough to go out to search for him when he wouldn't be home. Because he was so, so selfish.

He punched the wall in front of him in rage. He never though that losing a loved one hurted so much. Ren, that Aoba unconsciously left on the bed before going out, ran to Aoba's feets, and was going to ask what was wrong, but was cut off by Aoba grabbing him and letting himself fall down on the bed, holding him as tight as he could.

« Aoba. What happened? » he finally could ask. He wanted to help out, somehow. He always would try to cheer him up when he'd see him upset. He couldn't do much, but he knew that Aoba trusted him and would always tell him what was on his heart. And he would always listen to his words, too.

Aoba, however, did not answer. He only squeezed him against himself. He didn't want to say it. He just wanted to hold his beloved allmate. He just wanted a hug.

He felt so lonely. The loneliness and emptiness from the night before didn't go away, and was actually even worse now. The pain in his heart was unbearable. He just hoped that he could fall asleep and never wake up. He just hoped that this one team would come to him and give him the same fate as Koujaku. He just wished he could see him again.

It was worse than during the night. It was way worse than thinking your loved one didn't love you anymore and was having fun with someone else. It was worse than thinking he didn't answer your calls because he was busy having sex with some woman. Because his worries were false. Because he was false all along. Because Koujaku had been the best person ever to him. Because Koujaku loved him with all his heart. Because Koujaku would never do this. And because while he was being selfish and paranoid, Koujaku was outside, on the street, getting beaten up to death. And he didn't even take the time to worry about his well being. He didn't even though about worrying about his well being, and prefered worrying about their relationship. He prefered worrying about himself. He felt like such an horrible person for this. Koujaku didn't deserve to die, but the simple fact that Aoba was able to expect such horrible things from Koujaku... It made Aoba wish that those guys killed him instead of his lover.

He closed his eyes, curling up in the bed, Ren still in his arms. The dog seemed to understand that he didn't want to talk, as he simply let him hug him. Aoba was a bit relieved. He didn't want to talk anymore. He didn't want to do anything anymore.

-Pathetic-

Suddenly, a voice echoed in his head, that started hurting. He knew that pain way too well, but didn't expect it now. It had been so long, since it disappeared. Since the story in the Oval Tower, actually. He didn't know why now of all times. It was the worst time. And that voice. That voice who would always tell him to destroy was now telling him how pathetic he was, and he really didn't need that.

-The love of your life get killed and all you can do is cry yourself to sleep. Pathetic.-

He didn't even have the strenght to tell him to shut up. He knew it was useless anyway. He was always trying to get him to shut up in the past, when he'd keep saying how he should destroy everything and everyone, but it never worked. So why would it now?

-You're so weak that I was able manifest now. Hah, I'm guessing that guy was necessary to your sanity.-

What was this guy talking about? Was he saying that Koujaku being dead was the reason he was coming back? That saving Koujaku, and being with him, was the reason why he could live peacefully, without those killer headaches? He didn't understand that logic. And the pain in his head made him unable to think too much of it.

He let go of Ren, to actually hold his aching head. Still, he said nothing to the voice reasonning inside of him. He didn't notice his allmate tugging on his sleeve, asking « Aoba! Aoba what's wrong? »

-Look how weak you are right now. You aren't even fighting back.-

-That's pathetic.-

The pain was so intense, Aoba wondered how he didn't pass out already. But he was thankful. Because the pain, and that guy speaking made him stop thinking about all of this. Sure, he was actually talking about Koujaku, and of course, it hurted, but... It was better than when he was all by himself, thinking about how Koujaku was gone. About how he would never see him again, and how he just wanted to sleep forever. He was just calling him pathetic. It was better, way better.

-You know, instead of wanting to die, you could do something better.-

-You're angry right?-

-I can feel your anger boiling. Don't you want to make them pay?-

-They killed him.-

-They killed your beloved Koujaku...-

He couldn't deny it. He was angry, and he wanted them to pay. He wanted them to suffer as much as they made Koujaku suffer. He didn't want to kill them. He wasn't a murderer, not like them. But he surely didn't want them to get off of that that easily. He wanted to beat them up. He wanted to police to catch them. Hell, he hoped they would catch them! They murdered someone!

-Why not make them pay yourself?-

-There is a simple way to do so.-

-Let me destroy them.-

It started again. The desire to destroy everything. He never understood why this need to destroy was even there inside of him. He never understood why it would manifest only at certain times. And more importantly, he never understood why it simply stopped after the events of the Oval Tower.

-Destroy them.-

He didn't say anything. He didn't want to answer him. He wasn't ignoring him, he was listening, and trying to bear with the headache. His head was pounding horribly, and it was getting worse everytime he spoke inside his head. It was so intense that Aoba wasn't paying attention to anything else. He didn't even knew if Ren was still there. He didn't even know how much time had passed. It seemed long, oh so long. The time was flowing so slowly since the past night, while all those years with Koujaku seemed to have been so short.

-Destroy.-

-Destroy them.-

-I want to destroy them.-

His head never hurted as much as now. He had horrible headaches in the past, and especially when they were in the Oval Tower, but it was even worse. Worse than anything. He guessed that the constant pain of his heart, of his whole being, wasn't helping either. He never felt as bad as now. He could easily say that it was the worst time of his entire life. That it was the worst thing that happened in his entire life.

He was exhausted, both mentally and physically now. And actually, he wasn't even disagreeing with that desire to destroy. Destroying these people's minds... Seemed like a sweet revenge. He got himself tempted by that idea. It wouldn't kill them, but it was enough to make them pay for what they did.

« Destroy... » Aoba whispered weakly. Hearing this, Ren jumped on Aoba and called out his name, without any reaction from him.

-Yes. Destroy.-

-Destroy all of them.-

-Make them pay.-

Aoba got up, making Ren fall down. He looked over at the allmate, and smiled at him. He was ignoring him until now, but really, seeing him care was nice. But he couldn't do anything to help him. He couldn't change things. And he knew that he wouldn't agree with the idea of destroying others, and he didn't want to argue with him. He didn't want Ren to try to stop him.

« I'm sorry, Ren. » he simply said, petting his allmate's head.

Ren couldn't understand. He didn't even know what was going on. And Aoba wasn't going to tell him. He didn't want anyone to try to comfort him.That hug earlier was all he'd accept.

But it was over now anyway. He didn't want any hugs anymore, and he didn't want to sleep forever anymore. He found the will to get up and stop crying around. He would almost thank his desire to destroy for this. He was thankful to have the ability to scrap, and the ability to destroy, and was going to use it for good, yet again.

He went out, knowing exactly who to go to find those bastards. He simply asked the Benishigure members he found in the streets some informations about them, before then going to see the person he knew would find them easily with almost nothing. They simply had a name, that no one even heard of, and what their tag art looked like. Of course, they could also describe some members, but they didn't even know who was the leader, or where was that team's territory.

Aoba was pretty glad that he was friend with a person such as Noiz, really. That guy was a pretty talented hacker, and was also great and gathering informations. It was the thing he was the most talented at, with Rhyme. He never really though it could be useful for him until now. How thankful he was that he kept contact with him.

He went to ask him, and it didn't take him long to find them. Noiz didn't ask anything. It wouldn't surprise Aoba if he already knew his reason. He already found it weird for him to accept without asking anything in return. Noiz wasn't the kind of person that would do stuff for free, but somehow he just silently agreed.

The team wasnn't that far from Koujaku's territory, and were actually not that big of a team, but still enough to be too much for a single man. Aoba just got enough information to give them a little visit.

The first thing he noticed when he got there was how different they were from teams like Benishigure or Dry Juice. These teams were nice and had that family feeling in them. They were all friends and generally nice people. But this team... they were just punks that enjoyed beating up people. They weren't just playing around, and Aoba wouldn't be surprised if Koujaku wasn't the first person they "accidentally" killed during a fight.

It was clear to him that it wasn't an accident at all.

And because of this, he wanted to destroy them even more. He didn't feel any guilt anymore, and his sadness was disappearing. All being left in him being his anger and his desire to destroy.

At first, it wasn't that easy. First of all because it had been years since he used scrap, and secondly because he never consciously wanted to use it to destroy someone's mind. But after finishing some of them, it was actually... fun. He was enjoying it. He was even laughing when he'd see them break down on the floor, and at some point, he'd wonder if he was even sane anymore.

But he didn't care. What he wanted was to destroy those pieces of shit. What he gave those poor team members wasn't even much, and they'd eventually recover if they were strong enough. But he would make sure that their leader would suffer. That their leader would never ever be able to recover. Hell, he was going to lock their leader in his own mind, using his own weaknesses and issues against him to simply turn him crazy. And he would never let this pain end.

And when he did, it was literally the most satisfying thing he ever did. And he even found himself sad that it was over with. He found himself wanting to do more. He guessed that he was pushed by that other personality inside of him. He guessed that the other was taking over. But he didn't care. He didn't want to fight back earlier, and he wasn't going to fight now. Because even if he made those fuckers pay, Koujaku wouldn't come back, so what was the purpose of fighting back the desire to destroying everything? Even if he could live normally again, it wasn't the same without Koujaku. And he didn't want to be without him.

He could hear the other laughing inside of his head, as he completely gave up. Maybe after some time, after destroying the mind of everyone, maybe he would get bored, and put an end to this, by destroying himself. Giving himself the same fate as everyone else.

Maybe, after destroying everything like he wanted, he could join Koujaku and be happy again.


End file.
